The Guy Is Not Really Dead!

According to various online sources, the 'Suicide' sketch from this past Sunday's WWE Armageddon PPV had unexpected consequences. As a result of the sketch the local police department received roughly a thousand phone calls from residents reporting the alleged suicide. Area rescue workers responding to the phone calls arrived at the "Friendly Tap" and proceeded to pry the bar's door of its hinges in an attempt to gain access to the sign of the suicide. As a result $3,000 in damages were caused to the bar door. Local authorites have also voiced displeasure with not being forewarned of the sketch. In addition, as a result of the confusion stemming from the sketch, bar owner Tim White was forced to give a deposition stating that in fact no suicide or death of any kind had taken place at the bar and that it was all part of WWE programming. Concerned (not to mention retarded) fans also flooded the bar's e-mail address with condolences on the owner's death.

When I first read about all of this confusion I thought that it was some sort of joke. Are there people out there watching wrestling that think that the suicide actually took place? Are they that stupid? Sure, maybe a few fans who were trying to be funny called the police station to report the incident, but 1,000 people? There has always been a running joke in society that fans of professional wrestling were morons, but until now I didn't believe it. There really are a lot of stupid people out there. Never once did it ever occur to me that some people out there watching would actually take the sketch, and wrestling in general, so seriously.

Maybe after No Mercy I should have called the police to report that Randy Orton had committed arson and killed the Undertaker when he set a casket (which allegedly contained the Undertaker) on fire....Oh wait a minute. It's wrestling. It's not true. It never really happened.

On another confusing note - I read that Tim White's return to WWE programming on Sunday is only the beginning of a larger role for him within the company. Huh? His character is dead. How are they going to give him a larger role now? Are they going to have flashback scenes like they did on the Sopranos when the character 'Big Pussy' got whacked and showed up in subsequent episodes as part of Tony Soprano's dream sequences? Or maybe he's not really dead. Perhaps he'll show up with his head all bandaged up as a result of a botched suicide attempt. What purpose that will serve is beyond me.

If you are still concerned about Tim White (and suffering from severe brain damage), visit FriendlyTap.com, but I assure you that he is fine. He may be a little ashamed of his horrible acting performance on the PPV, but he's alive and doing okay. Send him some money if you can. I hear the front door of his bar is in pretty rough shape.


As Bob Backlund would say, "What a bunch of obtuse and imbecilic plebeians.".

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